


Family Values

by selkieskin



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alcohol, Angst, Bullying, Canon Compliant, Character Study, Comfort/Angst, Confrontation, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Friendship, Gen, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Internalized Homophobia, Louis/Harry referenced but not depicted, Social Issues, Swearing, Twitter, lilo, past trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-24
Updated: 2014-01-24
Packaged: 2018-01-09 20:21:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,087
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1150390
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/selkieskin/pseuds/selkieskin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Liam Payne (@Real_Liam_Payne)<br/>@williebosshog huge love to you/your family huge respect for your business prosperities and the family values you still all behold. big fan</p><p>A secret not many people know is this: Liam is terrified of Louis.</p><p>So when Liam posts the infamous tweet and Louis goes round to his house to confront him about it, what will happen?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Family Values

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: Although the events of this fic keep as close to real life as possible, I absolutely do not think Liam is homophobic. I think he was told to tweet something promotional about the show (which he hadn't researched, it wasn't on the news over here), and then had to defend that, which he did badly. I think the pressure and scrutiny of being famous is getting to him, and that's not an excuse, but I think he just genuinely hasn't thought it through properly about the message he's giving off, that his fans are going to absorb. He's angry and hurting (whether your opinion is that that's right or wrong that he feels that way), and it might take him a while yet to realise what an effect he might have.
> 
> I'm tired (it's 4:30am here) but I just need to post it by now, so all mistakes are mine.

A secret not many people know is this: Liam is terrified of Louis.

It's why he does everything Louis says, because despite how he gets treated he's just so desperate for Louis to like him. And he hates himself for how he reacts like this, he knows he isn't doing himself any favours or making himself look less pathetic or less like he's just asking to be treated like a little lapdog toy, but it's just how he's been programmed. Whenever he's tried to think for himself or do whatever he wants to do, people are shocked, or they laugh at him for being stupid, or they act embarrassed and tell him in hushed tones that it's just not socially normal to do whatever he is doing, that's he's overstepping some boundary that other people can see but he can't, so it's only natural that he's stopped trusting himself altogether somewhere along the way. 

Everyone he's met all his life have treated him in ways that he can see are wrong, so wrong, but everyone still liked them and gravitated towards them and forgave them in a way that they never would have for Liam; they obviously knew something he didn't, so he knew he needed to pay attention to them. But however hard he tried to pay attention, he still couldn't get it through his own thick head, and that was so, so frustrating. Especially when there were times that he thought they might have been being mean, but when he asked about it or protested he was told that no, they weren't, that they were doing something somehow right and he was in the wrong for thinking that it was anything more sinister.

Liam likes rules, he likes being able to stick to something he can see and define and trust not to change or get swept away from under his feet the way a lot of social rules are. It's why he liked superhero comics so much – in Superman, you could tell if someone was either good or evil straight away, he didn't have to deal with any of this weird ambiguousness that real-life people had. But life wasn't like the comics. He wanted to become someone clearly defined, primary-colours good... but instead he became someone who was just quiet and inoffensive, because all he could do was stick so clearly to the right in everything he did that he could keep far away from any of the danger zones, and that's how he lived his life until Louis came along.

There's just something about Louis that's so like those people that Liam has listened to all his life – that brash, cocky, selfish look-at-me vibe, that type that doesn't give a fuck about anyone else's personal space because he knows you can't protest, knows that he owns you, knows that he's the one that matters and you don't. He does the sort of things that ring alarm bells for Liam, shows off that he knows where the line is and can dance on the edge of it and laugh while he's doing it, and even when he does things with no effort and doesn't read the instructions or take things seriously at all and even gets things wrong, people seem to like it somehow, and Liam tries to like it too but he just feels totally confused and overwhelmed.

And it's sad, isn't it, that however huge Liam's muscles get, however small is this person before him in comparison, he still feels so powerless. He needs his huge body to make himself feel just a little safer, and he does – in school he got the shit kicked out of him more times than he bothered to keep track of, and he can still remember how it felt to have a sharp shoe jackhammer into your stomach, can still remember how it feels to be scared his neck might break as he got a punch to the face, can still feel the memory of someone else's cold spit trickling into his ear as he lay on the ground trying not to cry.

That stuff had an easy solution, at least. If any one of them came up to him now and tried that again, he's got years of boxing behind him, he's got muscles protecting him like armour, he could punch them right back, could break them, hurt them like they hurt him. He daydreams about that, sometimes. He knows that that's 'not socially normal', at least, and keeps it to himself. Every time he gets told off for showing off a bit too much of his strength with the boys he's so proud of himself, so proud of how he's improved and changed himself now, how much better he is at this than the others, that this is what defines him.

It's when Louis does that thing where he teases him by telling him something and Liam can't quite tell if he's having him on, and everyone laughs when he takes it at face value and he can feel his face growing hot and humiliated - that's what he can't defend himself against, still doesn't know how. Every innuendo Liam doesn't pick up on, every fact that apparently everyone knows but he doesn't, every reference that Liam doesn't understand makes him feel like that lost and confused little boy again because he really doesn't understand, he's so slow and he can hear them all laughing at him before he even works out what is going on, Louis is laughing at him, because Louis is quick and witty and people love him for that and Liam can't be like that.

Well, not everybody loves him. Actually, outside of people who actually know them, that's so blatantly not true it's almost funny.

People hate Louis because he's gay. In their thousands. Millions, maybe. Even if he's not officially gay, he's never said he's not and he quite clearly is, and that's enough for a lot of people. And that's something Liam could never afford to do. Liam's never done anything specific to make people hate him, they could just instinctively sense that he was stupid and worthless, and he's tried all his life to make himself better than that, so he couldn't begin to imagine deliberately choosing to live your life as something that people hate, that people can pick up on, that people pick on. To then flaunt that on camera with Harry like it's something to be proud of... Liam doesn't know that that's right. So many people say it's wrong, so how could it be right?

He talks about this with his friends, sometimes. He's not surprised that they don't think it's right either. That was one thing, at least, that he was able to pick up on in school. And Liam feels that rush of validation he always gets when he's right about something for once, when he's actually figured something out himself. He keeps it to himself because he knows this is one of those things that's controversial, but he lets himself feel happy sometimes that this at least is something he's got over Louis, that he's in the right here. It comforts him when his self-doubt gets really bad. And that's probably wrong to some people but Liam's getting more and more fed up every day with trying to figure out what's right and wrong and he just wants to take his life back into his own hands for a change, stand up for himself and start living like a real man should, decisive even in the face of opposition.

And that's why, one night when he's been out drinking with his mates and they're telling him stuff about how the dad on Duck Dynasty (a show he's never watched but has been given a brief about because he needs to remember to do some promotion for it later) stood up and said he didn't agree that people being gay was a good thing and was taken off the air for it, Liam just thinks that's so unfair. That night when he settles down to update his Twitter a bit, reviews the product promotion list on his email and sees that show again, he thinks of whoever it is on the show who agrees with him and decides to send something a bit supportive:

Liam Payne (@Real_Liam_Payne)  
@williebosshog huge love to you/your family huge respect for your business prosperities and the family values you still all behold. big fan

He gets on then with some of the contractually obligated fan interaction on Twitter. He's in the middle of a reply to someone asking him if he likes cheese on toast (he does, of course) when his phone rings.

It's his sister. He picks up.

“Hi, Ruth.”

“Hey. I've just logged onto Twitter, and there's this weird tweet from your account – it's saying that you support the 'family values' of this Duck Dynasty lot?”

Liam frowns.

“Erm, yeah. How come?”

“Oh, Liam. Don't you know? It's only one of the biggest news stories in America at the moment, that the family's all homophobic.”

Liam's eyes widen. Big news story? His blood runs cold - he knows what this means. Immediately this has gone from a tiny act of rebellion to a big statement. He refreshes his Twitter feed. Yep, backlash right there. Attacking him, judging him, threats, the lot.

“Shit,” he says out loud.

“Liam?” His sister sounds concerned. “Are you alright? You didn't know, did you?”

And Liam's feeling a bit sorry for himself by that point, so it's easy to go along with the lie.

“I've not even watched TV in three years. Of course I didn't know.” The self-pity turns into anger. “I've fucking fucked it up _again_ , haven't I? I can't do anything right.”

“Liam-”

“Fucking jackals.”

“Liam!” His sister tries to bring him back. “It's alright, Liam. Nothing you can do about it now. Have you been drinking?”

Liam supposes his voice must be slurring. A lot.

“Yes,” he responds.

“OK then. Well, what you need to do is just tweet an apology, tell them you didn't know. I'll tell them what you told me on my Twitter as well, spread the word, help you out. Then you get off Twitter, you drink some water, and go to bed. Sound alright?”

“Yeah,” Liam says. “Sure, yeah.” He sort of feels like he should take issue with his sister being bossy as usual, but he's too drunk to formulate an argument in person.

“Alright.” His sister sighs wearily down the phone. “I'll come up and visit you soon. Alright? Love you.”

“Love you, night night.”

“Night night.”

The backlash was harsh and immediate, it seemed. Big names sticking their oars in, too. It leaves Liam reeling. He starts replying to some of the harsher criticism directly, seeing in his drunken haze each one as a personal attack but there's just too many of them, he feels like he's drowning in them, and he realises that it's probably time to issue a big general statement. He can't quite bring himself to apologise, though, not again, not when he's just started trying to take a bit of control back in his life. He won't apologise. But he's got to do something. So instead, he tries to stem the tide a bit:

Liam Payne (@Real_Liam_Payne)  
Being a fan of someones show and the way they hold a family together doesnt mean I am ok with all they say

He spends the next few hours drinking more and staying awake for hours and hours just reading the comments and angry tweets and articles and blog posts and he just lets it stew inside him, aware that he should sleep but not really wanting to, and trying experimentally to see if he can stand it without it getting to him. If he can read them and have it wash off him like it doesn't matter. Eventually he's so tired of trying to make it not matter that he just snaps at everyone (not fans, he clarifies; he's not stupid enough to blame the fans for this), swearing and letting them know that they're trying to restrict his freedom of speech because this is his life, and he's not some flawless doll and he needs them to know that he's angry and hurting, and, and... he needs to go to sleep.

 

His phone doesn't stop ringing the next day, so he turns it off. His head feels like it's been stamped on, and his mouth tastes like something died in it weeks ago. There's still half a bottle of Jack Daniels next to the bed, so he drinks some to combat the taste. Hair of the dog. Or maybe he's still drunk, it hasn't been that long. Besides, he doesn't even want to have to face the consequences from last night – he deserves a break, doesn't he? He deserves this one time where he just curls up back into bed, he drinks some more, he hides from the world and forgets all about it. Fuck all this pressure. Fuck everyone just trying to get a piece of him. Fuck them all.

 

It's sometime later and he's been ignoring whoever's been buzzing his stupid doorbell down at the base of the block of flats – he'd ended up dismantling the speaker with a screwdriver. Hey, no sense in going by halves once you've already decided to ignore your phone, and besides his head couldn't stand the loud noise anyway.

He's making himself some toast when he's startled by a knock at the door.

To be honest, he first assumes they're some crazy fans – they've been surrounding his building ever since they've found out where he lived, and he's been expecting an invasion – so it's more wanting his pessimistic suspicions about the world to be proven right that makes him check the viewer.

It's Louis.

Shit.

What was he doing here?

He isn't sure why, but he automatically opens the door. Louis immediately pushes past him, invading his flat totally without invitation.

“Good morning, glad you finally decided to let me in. I wanted to bring coffee, but actually it went cold so I chucked it.”

“Right.”

“So, how are you?”

“Fine,” Liam scowls, obeying his stupid reflex to actually answer. His head still felt slightly like it had exploded, and he clenched his jaw. “You?”

“Not so great, actually.” Louis' voice sounds a bit worn out, and Liam is surprised. What did he have to be worn out about? It wasn't him that was the centre of a controversy at the moment, he'd sent a tweet supporting someone else who didn't agree with gay people just the other day and he'd got almost zero flak from it. It was Liam that was being held accountable again, Liam who couldn't get away with it. 

“You drunk?” Louis asked.

“What's it to you?”

Louis sighed, obviously frustrated and judging Liam for being drunk. People were always judging him. He flexed his muscles, his defence.

“How drunk?”

“Not that drunk.”

“Oh.” Louis frowned. “Well, Zayn's absolutely gonna kill me for asking you this while you're drunk, but I'm crap at holding things in, as I'm sure you've already noticed. So. Can you explain it to me?” he asks, light and breezy, like this is a casual conversation.

“Explain what?”

“I thought it was pretty obvious what.”

“Yeah.” Liam casts around for a response. “What do you want me to say?”

“I want you to explain what was behind last night. We both know that when we're told to promote something we have to promote it, I've been getting all sorts of bad press from my randomly picked Celebrity Big Brother favourites, but... I think yours, it was worded so weirdly. And then... that wasn't a publicity stunt, Liam – I know they might be homophobic pieces of shit, but there's no way they'd be getting all up in peoples' faces the way that you did, so I was just getting worried. What did they do?”

Liam can't be bothered with this. It doesn't even occur to him to lie.

“I was told to tweet about it, but they weren't on my Twitter last night. That was me.”

Louis freezes, and frowns at Liam like he thinks he's missed something.

“So, er... what was that all about?”

“Fucking leave it, Louis. I don't want to talk about it.”

“Well, I do.”

“Louis-”

Louis' eyes flash dangerously.

“Spit it out, Liam.”

“You don't wanna know-”

“I do. Mate.” Louis fixes him with a hard stare. “I need this sorted out, and I need this sorted out now. I don't want any bullshit happening between us that we can't talk about, I don't want to have to face the cameras until I can say that we've talked face-to-face and dealt with it. And for that I need you to be honest, and I've got some stuff to say back – but I'm making an effort to not do this by freaking out on you, or shouting over you, so I'll let you go first. Go.”

Liam shifts uncomfortably. His mouth is dry. He can't speak. The silence lasts a long time.

“Liam, tell me.”

And the part of him that wants to please Louis and the part of him that reflexively obeys him duke it out.

“...I hadn't done my research before it.” Louis visibly relaxes, and laughs, hand coming up to pat him on the shoulder. Another invasion of personal space which snaps something in Liam.

“Ohhh, thank _god!_ Did you know-”

“But I don't think it's right either.”

Louis tenses. He looks like he's been stabbed. He rallies himself, and removes his hand from Liam's shoulder. Liam still can't quite believe that he said it. Louis looks like he can't believe it either.

He'd imagined this moment a few times, imagined using this as revenge when Louis has made him feel especially stupid or embarrassed or low, but it was nothing like this. He imagined a sort of not-real indignation, something like being beaten in an argument. He'd never realised how stupid that was before. He'd never imagined this silent hurt being reflected back at him, hadn't included this particular facial expression. It's not like Louis had even done anything this time, which is what was – but no, he couldn't think like that, it was time to be strong and honest in his opinions, had to remember those times and keep them in the front of his mind so he could say this. The look Louis is giving him though tugs on something deep inside him, which is distracting from him saying what he needs to say. Liam can't face it, so he looks away.

“Wha...” Louis breathes, then clears his throat. “Liam, you know I'm gay, right?”

“Yeah.”

“Then _why the fuck-_ What the fuck do you think of me then? You think that, what, I chose to like guys?”

“Yeah, actually, yeah.” Liam's voice is getting stronger as he is getting angrier. Louis being confrontational is more what he's used to dealing with. He could never shut up for long.

“Why the fuck would I do that?”

“Because you're after attention?” And Liam knows deep down that's maybe not true really, but it feels like it could be and no, he just needs to focus on winning this argument.

“Oh, what, you mean the hate and death threats and weird pervs? Yeah, great attention that, fucking A*, love it, thanks. Seriously Liam, what the fuck? How long?”

“Well I-”

“No, more importantly, _why_ the fuck?”

“Because-”

“And seriously, Liam, do you actually think I'm disgusting or some shit like that? Like, seriously? What in the _fuck_ -”

“ _Don't fucking interrupt me then!_ ” And he's full-on red in the face and shouting now, dragging everything off the table and onto the floor because otherwise he wants to shake Louis, shake some sense into him, and he needs to show he's strong, that he can defend himself. “You fucking parade around all day and rub it in our faces that oh, you're this tortured minority and you can't help it when really it's some stupid fetish we've all got to nod and be understanding and support for some reason. Like acting normal is so hard. It's weird, yeah, it's weird. It's just my opinion, I'm entitled to my opinion, so that's what I've got to say back to you. Is that what you want to hear?”

“Liam, look at me.” Liam doesn't, he's not done yet, he's got a lot more anger to vent.

“And you come in here and you parade some more and you're going to tell me I can't have an opinion, and you know what, I'm fucking sick of your bullshit, you always walk all over me but you know what, you just can't stand to hear the truth.”

“Liam, look at me,” Louis repeats, but the buzzing of anger in Liam's head is louder.

“I mean, don't you understand or something? That's something you finally don't understand, that men and women are made for each other, that that's just natural and that's the way the world works. You think I don't understand things, but how stupid are you that you don't even understand that?”

“Liam!” Louis' voice is high-pitched and desperate. He tries to grab at Liam's arm but Liam throws him off easily and he staggers backwards. Liam barely registers it, he's so angry.

“Don't you dare tell me what to do! Being fucking _gay_ , it's fucking _weird_ , and it's wrong, and there's something wrong with you, and everyone knows, there's a reason you get attention for it and there's a reason they know it's wrong too, it's just instinct. When you hear people calling us faggots in the street, that's you. When...”

Liam trails off because he did finally look at Louis properly. It snapped him out of it. The red mist disperses enough so that he can actually see him, and...

Louis is shaking.

Louis is actually trembling in front of Liam, and he's hunched round himself, and he's gone totally white. He's not crying – Liam's never seen him cry, and can't imagine it – but he looks... small. Weak. Frightened.

“'Thought I didn't like the attention, though?” He was obviously trying to sound normal, but it wasn't working. Liam could hear the shaking in his voice. “Maybe you are too drunk for this?”

“I stand by what I say.”

“Right. Erm. Right.”

Liam's confused. Why won't Louis speak? Louis always has an answer to everything. But Louis is scared, he looks terrified. Liam looks back at the stuff on the floor and it clicks. He was too threatening – Louis is only small, he never had the patience to work on his body like Liam did. He tries to reassure him.

“I won't hit you. Unless you hit me first, then I'll hit you.”

“I know you won't hit me.” Liam doesn't understand again. “You wouldn't do that. We both know you'd probably kill me or something, with your stupid Hulk strength. That's not why I'm... Shut up, I'm trying to think of how to explain this to you. Jesus.”

Liam doesn't respond, just stares.

“Liam, don't you understand? You're my friend. You're one of my best friends, actually. I'm flaunting it, it's a fetish, I'm a gayboy, do I think I'm special, I'm just wrong in the head? I've heard it all before. I just never thought I'd be hearing it from you.”

It begins to dawn on Liam.

“And I'm sorry I asked, sorry I pushed you into it, I'm such a fucking idiot.”

“Fuck. No, you-”

“I just fucking thought it couldn't be _you_ , but maybe it was, and I had to know, you know?” He gives a weak laugh. “I know you, Liam, and you can talk some shit sometimes. I didn't think it would be the same in person. Or I thought I could change your mind, I don't know.” 

“I didn't mean to make you-”

“A-and it's always different hearing that shit from someone you fucking care about, you know?” He wipes his eyes furiously, trying not to let the tears spill. “Like not like that, as a friend, you arsehole. I don't want you to be repulsed by me more.”

Liam can't think of what to do, so he goes with his instinct and pulls Louis into his arms to hug him, to comfort him, but Louis crosses his arms across his chest and pushes away so it's more like Liam's just trying to keep hold of him. “Don't you fucking make me cry! I fucking hate crying in front of people! Fuck off, Liam!” he's shouting angrily back at Liam but this time Liam knows that if he lets go they're both sunk, so he holds on until Louis eventually goes soft and stops struggling against him, breathing hard. Then they both stand there for a long time, Liam's mind racing.

He'd tried to move past how he'd always been treated, but he'd fucked up somewhere, somewhere while he was trying to work out what normal people wanted from him he'd forgotten the most important thing – to be good. And now he was just like them. He always thought he'd wanted to be like them, he'd always tried to be like them, and now look at what happened - he was.

The horror of this stupid revenge thing, that wasn't right. Because it was sort of different. Louis was sort of different. When he was at school his friends there would tell him things like that girls liked him when they didn't, and he'd go and ask them out, and of course they'd look at him with faces that said who-is-this-freak-asking-me-out and they always said no. They'd laugh at him. They'd try and get him to do a lot of stuff like that, humiliate him because they knew he'd go along with it. He'd never felt safe around them, never.

But Louis wasn't like that. Sure, he did do a lot of things that Liam wasn't too sure about, but none of it had really done him any harm. When he was following Louis' instructions, he'd got to do things that were close to that invisible line, he'd tried so many new things and become so much more comfortable with the unknown than he was before. Louis did always tease him, but he did that to everyone, and Liam had never come to any harm from it. In fact, he'd unwound a bit, he was a lot less painfully tense now, and he usually felt like now he could roll with whatever anyone else threw at him. Louis hadn't been trying to unbalance him all along – he'd actually been stabilising him, teaching him how to stand on his own two feet. When you've got someone like Louis to deal with all the time, everyone else was a breeze.

So, did he believe Louis actually cared about Liam?

Maybe he did.

That was a stupid time to come to that realisation, but yeah. Louis was his friend. Louis cared about him in a genuine way. Louis was his friend, Louis had trusted him, and now...

Had. Fuck.

And now he'd just fucked that up forever. He tensed again.

“Please don't tell Harry,” Louis said suddenly, interrupting his thoughts.

“Tell Harry?” Liam's voice had gone hoarse.

“Like, don't tell him that you feel this way. Don't tell any of the boys actually. I won't tell. We can't screw this up now.”

“I didn't mean for you to be upset.”

“Yeah, well, funny that, it happens sometimes whether you mean it to or not.”

“No, Louis, really, I didn't mean it to.”

“Of course I'm fucking upset. How could you believe those things, you _twat_?”

“Do you trust me?”

“You what?” Louis tried to push away again but Liam wouldn't let him. “Er, Liam, get off me.”

“I asked, 'do you trust me'.”

“Liam, _get off me!_ ” Louis struggles so hard this time that Liam does, and Louis backs away, smoothing his fringe. “Fuck's sake, fucking gorilla arms, Liam, I don't know why you're even asking me that. No, I don't trust you, not any more. I don't trust that you asking me to trust you isn't some prelude to you telling me about some magical cure. I don't trust that you're not going to be looking at me, and fucking Harry – Harry, for fuck's sake! – and thinking we're some sort of nancy fucking wrong-in-the-head _queers_ , come to earth to do whatever it is people think we do. Ruin marriages, cause floods, whatever fucking else. Because do you know what? We are, and there's nothing wrong with us.” Louis catches his own train of thought and backpedals. “No, I don't mean we cause floods, we're not exactly supervillans, shit, I've not made my point very well there. Point is, I'm so angry, _so_ angry at you, but I'll move past it yeah? Because we've got such an amazing thing going on with this band, and it can't end now, not because of this coming out of fucking _nowhere_.” He scrubs his face with his hands, trying to pull himself together. “I wish you hadn't said it. I wish I'd fucking left it alone like I fucking should have. Shit, it's shit. It's so fucking _shit._ ”

What Liam wants to say next sticks in his throat. He has to force it out.

“I want you to be able to trust me.”

“Tough shit, but newsflash: if you act like the people I knew in school, I can't actually feel all rainbows and sunshine around you.”

“You got beaten up?”

“No.” Louis gives Liam a withering look. “For the last time, I know you're not going to hit me. I actually never got bullied, like you did – it's not fucking about you. It's just...” He looks for a moment that he's just considering telling Liam to fuck off instead, but then he takes a deep shuddering breath and speaks. “Well, here goes. You shut the fuck up and listen - I mean it, don't you fucking dare. Did you know that I knew I was gay when I was 9?”

“Really? That early?”

“Yeah. And I first came out to someone when I was 15. And that was only Stan. I wouldn't tell anyone else, I couldn't, because I knew what they'd think of me. I was always trying to act like a proper lad so no-one would suspect, that no-one would know that I was... weak, stupid, perverted, _gay,_ everything people associate with being gay. It was an insult, for fuck's sake. And I was it. I always felt... just, uncomfortable in my own skin, like there was something wrong with me, like there was just something I didn't get, like, about life. Like maybe they could see that. Like if they found out I was lying, they'd realise I was a fraud, that I didn't belong at all.

People don't need to always be talking shit to you to your face. If you know that they know, or they think, you're some sort of freak... like, I heard them talking about people like me. They thought I was one of them so they always said what they actually think, I knew everything they'd have thought about me, and it made me feel sick. I know that shit off by heart. And I thought it was all true. And I wished I was different, I wished all the time that I could change things, that I'd wake up and realise I was normal, but it never happened. So they didn't have to tell me that I was wrong in the head directly, I did that just fine for myself. Calling myself names in my head. And if you're calling me names in your head too, that just makes me feel... not safe, you know?”

Liam isn't sure how to respond to that, either. He just gapes at the other boy. Louis senses he isn't going to get a response, and ruffles at his hair, fixing his fringe the way he does when he's uncomfortable.

“I'm not sure why I told you that. I just wanted you to understand. Don't worry, I'll get over it. I'm going to bloody have to, we've got that fucking tour coming up, haven't we. Shit.”

He waits to see if Liam will give him a response. He doesn't. He swallows.

“So, er. Bye.” He turns to leave, heading towards the door.

“Wait.” Liam chokes out. He's so far out of his depth here, doesn't know how to fix this one bit, but he's got to try. He's so obviously not on the side of good here, and he can't leave Louis like this. 

Louis just gives him the middle finger and keeps going. Liam realises to his horror that Louis is really going to leave if he doesn't do something, so in a panic he sprints ahead and gets in between Louis and the door. Louis struggles frantically to get by him, eyes blown wide with fear.

“Move out of my fucking way, _you fucking psycho! I said move!_ I swear to god, Liam-”

“I'm sorry!” Liam's heart is in his mouth. “I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, alright?”

“Bit fucking late, alright?” Louis shouts back, trying to push him aside, but Liam can't be moved. “I said fucking shift your _massive arse_ , you twat.”

“I'm so sorry, Louis!” Liam's eyes are welling up now, from frustration at not knowing what else to do. What if Louis doesn't want to listen to him? What if Louis never listens to him ever again? How can he live with himself if that happens? “I'm wrong, I'm so wrong, I'm sorry, and I don't want to think like that any more, please,” his body is racked by a sob, “please don't leave.”

There's a silence for a while. He can feel the anger radiating from the smaller guy in front of him, can feel it burning him like acid, and he lets it happen, because he deserves it, he fucking deserves it for how he's acted. But he needs to make it right, he can't not make it right.

“What the fuck are you expecting me to do?” Louis' voice is quiet and dangerous. “This isn't like one of your fucking kiddy films, mate. Apologising doesn't make me forgive you. It can't fix your twisted worldview. I don't care if you cry, or if you pretend like you're all guilty, or you tell me again how you had it so much worse. It's not touching, it's pathetic. It's pathetic is what it is, and if it wasn't for this fucking band, I'd like nothing better than to walk out this door and never fucking see you again.”

Louis takes a deep shuddering breath. In, and out.

“But... we are in this fucking band. Right, OK. So come on. Tell me about this revelation you've just had. Tell me how fucking sorry you are, and make me believe it this time.”

Liam is so grateful that he can feel his knees all but collapse under him. He sinks to the floor, so that he's on the ground, sat leaning against the door. Louis joins him.

They're silent for a while, neither really sure what to say.

Liam starts.

“You know I was bullied at school?” Louis opens his mouth to argue, “No! This, this isn't me trying to make it about me, I just... somewhere in the middle there, I suddenly realised that I was acting like them.”

Louis is silent.

“I mean, they were fucking evil, Louis. They were monsters. They made it so, so hard for me to ever trust people again, and I couldn't believe it that you were friends with me. You, Louis. You're... fuck, you're loud, and you're confident, and people listen to you. People respect you. Like people respected them. So, I could never quite believe that you were really, genuinely my friend – I mean, you would never have associated with me if we hadn't been put together like this, don't lie, you know that you wouldn't. And, like, I was always waiting... for the day when you'd turn on me.”

Liam hadn't meant to say that last bit – he hadn't even realised that it was true himself, had only realised it was true as he was saying it. It feels like someone's pulled a knife out of his chest, like it's a relief to say it. Louis nudges him gently, trying to get him to continue.

“So, erm, my friends started saying all this shit about gay people. And I believed them, I needed to believe them. It was like... it was like my one defence, you know? I'm no match for you, we all know that. I... I suppose I was scared that you'd be able to pick up on whatever was wrong with me that made people hate me, and I'm crap at telling that sort of thing about other people. So, this, this was what was wrong with you.”

“There's nothing wrong with me.”

“I know, I meant-”

“You really think there is?”

“No, I- fuck.” Liam pulled his knees to his chest. “Let me think, OK?”

“Take your time,” Louis responded snippily.

Liam couldn't help but snort through his nose at that. “Christ, Louis, you don't like to make things easy, do you?”

“Wouldn't be me if I did,” answered Louis. “Go on. Tell me how you're going to make an effort to stop believing you're superior for being straight, and you're going to change your homophobic ways.”

“I am!”

“Right. Good job convincing me there, Liam.”

“I'm serious!”

“Go on then.”

“I really mean it, Louis. I didn't mean what I said – I shouldn't have meant what I said." He gulps, unsure. "I don't like that I've acted like this. I don't like the person I've turned into, the person who could say something like that as if I was actually right. I'm not right, and it might take a while for me to get over this, get over how I've got used to thinking somehow. It's not your responsibility to change, it's mine. I never thought I had it in me to treat a friend like that. I'm so, so grateful for the friends I've got – really, I have no idea why you bother – and to risk messing it up as some sort of weird revenge thing even though you'd never done anything?” He stares at the floor in disbelief. “What the fuck was I thinking?”

“So, we just need to get you desensitised to it a bit more, yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“Right, good. I'll tell Harry that we should step it up a notch on the bus.” He laughs, and Liam goes cold.

“You're not really going to tell Harry, are you?”

“What? No, you idiot, 'course I'm not. Who was it that was crying on your shoulder begging you not to tell him earlier? Fucking hell.” He swats at Liam's head, and Liam ducks.

Liam finds himself smiling, if a little unsurely, in response to Louis. This was good, this was familiar. Even if he wasn't perfect at this – even if he'd never quite shake the feeling of being all at sea with this kind of joking – this was fine. It was even a relief. Not long ago, he thought he might have lost this forever. But here was Louis, treating him like he always did. He never believed he could miss it so much, until it was almost gone forever. He spontaneously pulled Louis into a hug, just to reassure himself. He may have squeezed a bit too hard, but Louis put up with it and patted his back. They pull apart, and Louis affectionately ruffles his not-long-enough-to-ruffle hair on instinct.

“So the plan next is to have a night in and make you watch Brokeback Mountain, yeah?” His grin's a little bit evil.

“Louis-” Liam can feel his discomfort rising at that prospect, but he sees Louis' face go hard in front of him as he thinks of refusing, and he realises that if he can't even be alright with it on a screen what chance does he stand in real life? He had to try. He had to work through it. He starts nodding. “Sure. Yeah. Sure.”

Louis laughs at him, and Liam realises that it's happened again.

“I'm sort of joking with you – I fucking hated that movie, far too up itself. No jokes either. But I'll try and find us something a bit higher quality, and we'll watch it, yeah? Ease you into it.”

They sit talking about random nonsense for a long time, then Liam makes them both cheese toasties (Louis is a horrible cook, no way was Liam letting him make his own) and they crowd round his laptop and keep talking until it's starting to get dark. They arrange what day they're going to have their gay movie night (the idea has blossomed into a gay movie marathon apparently, thanks to the wonders of IMDB) and Louis finally gets up to leave.

Just before he leaves, Louis turns around and claps a hand on his shoulder.

“By the way, there's nothing wrong with you either, Liam. Sure, you may be a bit uptight sometimes, but I've never thought there's anything wrong with you. You've got to believe that.”

Liam is a little overwhelmed, and doesn't know how to respond, so he doesn't. He has some parting words of his own.

“Thank you for giving me another chance. I wish the last 24 hours had just never happened, that I'd never let myself get this way. I can't lose you as a friend, mate – you're one of the best mates I've ever had. Just... thank you. For forgiving me.”

“Yeah, well, believe me if it was anyone else there's no way in hell I'd still be here, so.” Louis squeezes his shoulder. “You're one lucky guy. And I haven't quite forgiven you yet – not sure how I ever can, to be honest, Jesus – but if you're going to try this hard, so will I.”

“Of course I'm going to try. I'm so sorry, mate.”

“Yeah.” Louis' tone sounds like it's attempting to be light, but Liam can still hear the hurt beneath it. “I'll see you next week, yeah?”

 

And with Louis gone, Liam goes to his bedroom, squares his shoulders, takes a deep breath, and turns his phone back on.


End file.
